- “now son, you don’t want to drink beer. that’s for daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”
- “marge, it takes two to lie. one to lie and one to listen.”
- “you couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
- “marge, don’t discourage the boy! weaseling out of things is important to learn. it’s what separates us from the animals! except the weasel.”
- “if you really want something in life you have to work for it. now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
- “to alcohol! the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”
- “i saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! i think it was called, ‘the bus that couldn’t slow down.”
- “i want to share something with you – three sentences that will get you through life:
number one, ‘cover for me.’
number two, ‘oh, good idea, boss.’
number three, ‘It was like that when i got here.’ - “marge, you’re as pretty as princess leia and as smart as yoda.”
- “step aside everyone! sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘dear baby, welcome to dumpsville. population: you.'”
- “don’t let krusty’s death get you down, boy. people die all the time. just like that. why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. well, goodnight.”
- “lisa, if the bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”
- “stealing! how could you? haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? captain what’s-his-name?
- we live in a society of laws. why do you think i took you to all those police academy movies? for fun? well i didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
- “maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, you’re making a scene.'”
thoughts for those who take life too seriously
- change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- a day without sunshine is like, night
- on the other hand, you have different fingers.
- i just got lost in thought. it wasn’t familiar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- i feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- honk if you love peace and quiet.
- remember, half the people you know are below average.
- he who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- i drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- support bacteria. they’re the only culture some people have.
- monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
- a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- save the whales. collect the whole set.
- get a new car for your spouse. it’ll be a great trade!
- plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
- if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- how many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? raise my hand…
- ok, so what’s the speed of dark?
- how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
- if everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- when everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- hard work pays off in the future. laziness pays off now.
- everyone has a photographic memory. some just don’t have film.
- if barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
- eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- what happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- i couldn’t repair your brakes, so i made your horn louder.
- why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
- just remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
- light travels faster than sound. that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
share a thought:
it’s monday out there #5
blind date
joe sets up his friend mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. but mike is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “what do i do if she’s really unattractive?” says mike. “i’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“don’t worry,” joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. if you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. if you don’t just shout ‘aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake an asthma attack.”
so that night, mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. he’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
“aaaaaauuuggghhh!”
a scary visit
one bright, beautiful sunday morning, everyone in tiny smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
suddenly, at the altar, satan appears!! everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil Incarnate.
soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that god’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. this confuses satan a bit.
satan walks up to the man and says, “hey, don’t you know who i am?”
the man says, “yep, i sure do.”
satan says, “well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
the man says, “nope, i sure ain’t.”
satan, perturbed, asks, “and why aren’t you afraid of me?”
“well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
quick ones
a sister from a local convent became a certified public accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. her title: ‘nun of your business.’
—
q: how do geologists like their scotch? a: on the rocks.
—
how is the force like ducktape?
it has a light side and it has a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
the drill sergeant
one of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at fort jackson, s.c., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. after everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “there are three rules in this mess hall: shut up! eat up! get up!”
checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “what is the first rule?”
much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “shut up, drill sergeant!”
quirks of life
i don’t understand these complaints about the postal service. time was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination in two days. now you put a thirty-seven-cent stamp on a letter and it can take four to five weeks to arrive. still only a penny a day!
quirks about life you notice by the time you are fifty
..most people deserve each other.
..all the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
..the one who snores will fall asleep first.
..the length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
..the gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
..if you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
..the probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
..toothaches always start on friday night right before the weekend when the dental office will be closed.
marriage wisdom
when a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “the first ten years are the hardest.”
“how long have you been married?” she asked.
“ten years,” came the immediate reply.
nightclub
as a nightclub owner, i hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. after several performances, i discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. i notified police, who arrested him.
desperate for another drummer, i called a friend who knew some musicians. “what happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me.
“i had him arrested,” i replied.
my friend paused for a second and asked, “how badly did he play?”
have a great week ahead!!!
share a thought:
word play
- two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. the ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. one says, “i’ve lost my electron.” the other says, “are you sure?” the first replies, “yes, i’m positive…”
- a jumper cable walks into a bar. the bartender says, “i’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
- a sandwich walks into a bar. the bartender says, “sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
- a dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- a man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:”a beer please, and one for the road.”
- two cannibals are eating a clown. one says to the other: “does this taste funny to you?”
- doc, i can’t stop singing ‘the green, green grass of home. ‘” “that sounds like tom jones Syndrome.” “is it common?” “it’s not unusual.”
- two cows standing next to each other in a field. daisy says to dolly, “i was artificially inseminated this morning.” “i don’t believe you,” said dolly. “it’s true, no bull!” exclaimed daisy.
- an invisible man marries an invisible woman. the kids were nothing to look at either.
- deja moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
- a man takes his rottweiler to the vet and says, “my dog’s cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?” “well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. finally, he says, “i’m going to have to put him down.” “what? because he’s cross-eyed?” “no, because he’s really heavy.”
- apparently, one in five people in the world are chinese. and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. it’s either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother calvin or my younger brother ho-chin. but I’m pretty sure it’s calvin.
- i went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but i couldn’t find any.
- i went to the butcher’s the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. he said, “no, the steaks are too high.”
- a man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. he shouted,”doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” the doctor replied, “i know you can’t – i’ve cut off your arms!”
- i went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
- two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh.
share a thought:
disaster
one afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
his three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
the door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
a lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
in the front room the tv was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
in the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. he quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
he was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. he found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. she looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. he looked at her bewildered and asked, “what happened here today?”
she again smiled and answered, “you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did i do today?”
“yes,” was his incredulous reply.
she answered, “well, today i didn’t do it.”
share a thought:
it’s monday out there #4
survey
a marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .
which shaving cream do you use?
the gent answered, baba’s, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer’s following questions with the same answer, baba’s…
which aftershave do you use?
which deodorant do you use?
which toothpaste do you use?
which shampoo do you use?
which soap do you use?
finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,
“ok, tell me, what is this ‘baba’? is it an international or foreign company?”
the guy replies. . . .
“no, he’s my room-mate!”
rattlesnake farm
a young couple were touring southern florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. after seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
“gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “you certainly have a dangerous job. don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”
“yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.
“well,” she continued, “what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”
“i always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as i am bitten, i make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”
“what, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.
“ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”
the bum
a man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
the man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “if i gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”
“no, i stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.
“will you use it to gamble?”
“i don’t gamble. i need everything i can get just to stay alive.”
“will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”
“are you nuts! i haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
the man said, “well, i’m not going to give you two dollars. instead, i’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
the bum was astounded. “won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? i know i’m dirty, and i probably smell pretty bad.”
the man replied, “that’s ok. i just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf.”
bubba and bobby joe
bubba and bobby joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. one day they caught 30 fish. bubba said to bobby joe,
“mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow.”
the next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, then bubba asked bobby joe, “bobby joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?”
his friend replied, “shore nuff, i put a big ole ‘x’ on the bottom of the boat.”
“you stupid fool! now, what we gonna do if we don’t get that same boat today?!”
the thing we do for love
it was valentine’s day and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “what are you charged with?”
“doing my shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“that’s no offense!”, said the judge. “how early were you shopping?”
“before the store opened”, countered the prisoner.
expensive
there are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. one of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“hello?”
“honey, it’s me. are you at the club?”
“yes.”
“great! i am at the mall two blocks from where you are. i just saw a beautiful mink coat. it’s absolutely gorgeous!! can I buy it?”
“what’s the price?”
“only $1,500.00.”
“well, ok, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … ”
“ahhh, and i also stopped by the mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. i saw one i really liked. i spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the bmw that we bought last year … ”
“what price did he quote you?”
“only $60,000 … ”
“ok, but for that price i want it with all the options.”
“great! but before we hang up, something else … ”
“what?”
“it might look like a lot, but i was reconciling your bank account and … i stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. it’s on sale!! remember? the one with a pool, english garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … ”
“how much are they asking?”
“only $450,000 – a magnificent price … and i see that we have that much in the bank to cover … ”
“well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. ok?”
“ok, sweetie … thanks! i’ll see you later!! i love you!!!”
“bye … i do too … ”
the man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
“does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
college drama
a college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “i descend into hell!”
a stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
the play was well received. when the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. when the new actor announced, “i descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. no amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
one student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “hallelujah! hell is full!”
have a great week ahead!!!
share a thought:
who’s faster
jesus and satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. they had been going at it for days, and frankly god was tired of hearing all the bickering. finally fed up, god said,”that’s it! i have had enough. i am going to give you a test that will run for two hours, and from the results, i will judge who does the better job.”
so satan and jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. they moused. they faxed. they e-mailed. they e-mailed with attachments. they downloaded. they did spreadsheets. they wrote reports. they created labels and cards. they created charts and graphs. they did some genealogy reports. they did every job known to man.
jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and satan was faster than hell.
then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. jesus just sighed.
finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
satan started searching frantically, screaming:
it’s gone! it’s all gone!! i lost everything when the power went out!”
meanwhile, jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. satan observed this and became irate. wait!” he screamed. “that’s not fair! he cheated! how come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”
god just shrugged and said,
“jesus saves … “
share a thought:
new definitions
read closely, and perhaps slowly, to understand…
1. arbitrator: a cook that leaves arby’s to work at mcdonalds.
2. avoidable: what a bullfighter tried to do.
3. bernadette: the act of torching a mortgage.
4. burglarize: what a crook sees with.
5. control: a short, ugly inmate.
6. counterfeiters: workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. eclipse: what an english barber does for a living.
8. eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. heroes: what a guy in a boat does.
10. leftbank: what the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. misty: how golfers create divots.
12. paradox: two physicians.
13. parasites: what you see from the top of the eiffel tower.
14. pharmacist: a helper on the farm.
15. polarize: what penguins see with.
16. primate: removing your spouse from in front of the tv.
17. relief: what trees do in the spring.
18. rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.
19. selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
20. sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.
share a thought:
bathroom quotes
the best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. – women’s restroom, murphy’s, champaign, il
don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. – men’s restroom, murphy’s, champaign, il
remember, it’s not, “how high are you?” it’s “hi, how are you?” – rest stop off route 81, wv
no matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. – men’s room, linda’s bar and grill. chapel hill, nc
to do is to be. – descartes; to be is to do. – voltaire; do be do be do. – frank Sinatra – men’s restroom, greasewood flats. scottsdale, az
at the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. – bentley’s house of coffee and tea, tucson, az
it’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. – written in the dust on the back of a bus. wickenburg, az
make love, not war. – hell, do both, get married! – women’s restroom, the filling station. bozeman, ma
god is dead. – nietzsche; nietzsche is dead. – god – the tombs restaurant. washington, d.c.
if voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – revolution books. new york, ny
a woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. – women’s restroom, dick’s last resort. dallas, tx
if pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? congress! – men’s restroom, house of representatives. washington, d.c.
express lane: five beers or less – sign over one of the urinals, ed debevic’s. phoenix, az.
you’re too good for him. – sign over mirror in women’s restroom, ed debevic’s, beverly hills, ca.
no wonder you always go home alone. – sign over mirror in men’s restroom, ed debevic’s, beverly hills, ca.”
share a thought:
alam n’yo ba?
“alam niyo ba na kapag natulog kayo ng makati ang puwet niyo… gigising kayo ng may mabahong daliri?”
“alam niyo ba na hindi lang babaeng lamok ang nangangagat… pati aso nangangagat?”
“alam niyo ba na hindi delikado ang dengue… kung ikaw ay lamok?”
“alam niyo ba na sampu sa sampung may SARS ay masama ang pakiramdam?”
“alam niyo ba na ang bulag ay nasisilaw din sa pera?”
“alam niyo ba na hindi nakakahawa ang pagkabaog?”
“alam niyo ba pag ang tao kinain ng pating… pwede siyang matawag na seafood?”
“alam niyo ba ang pinaka-ayaw mong marinig mula sa iyong doktor habang ikaw ay inooperahan ay… shit!?”
“alam niyo ba na kung hindi ka kakain ng pitong araw… ang utot mo ay amoy sariwang hangin?”
“alam niyo ba na ang pusang buntis ay pusang ina?”
“alam niyo ba na kapag maiksi ang kumot… matutong bumili ng bago at mas mahaba?”
“alam niyo ba na huwag dapat lunurin sa alak ang kalungkutan… dahil ito’y marunong lumangoy?”
“alam niyo ba na hindi mo puwedeng posasan ang taong putol ang isang kamay?”
“alam niyo ba na hindi totoong bayag ng pusit ang squid balls?”
“alam niyo ba na kapag kinain mo ang sarili mong dila… hindi mo ito malalasahan?”
“alam niyo ba na ang tamang paraan ng pagsabi sa kausap mo na mabaho ang hininga niya ng hindi ka makakabastos ay: mawalang galang na, itatanong ko lang, tae ba ang ulam niyo kanina?”
canned thoughts 